welcome 2015 with a sizzling hot air

It’s the new year of 2015. The first think in my mind was probably “Thank God, the first thing we did was not burn a house”.  Ok, back track! Instead of firework this year, my mom thought that it would be nice to light up some lanterns. And since it is our first time, she bought three lanterns. We still got to see fireworks, we got up the balcony and had a 360 view of wonderful fireworks provided by our rich and festive neighbors! After all the fireworks we decided to light up the lanterns already. The first one was a fail because the struggle was real at lighting it up we ended putting a huge hole on the lantern. We still tried to light it up but it went down in flames inn our cemented runway in the garden, so it’s still good but my mom was already worried about the fire hazard it presented. The next lantern we were able to light well but while we were waiting for the hot air to accumulate, the side got accidentally burned. It was a relatively small hole and there was great difficulty for it to fly off. My mom’s worry increased because it was burning very well and it was flying low and she kept on navigating the lantern away from our house, unfortunately the wind was in the direction my mom feared. But still, the lantern was able to rise up, although achingly slow with all out heart near our throat for the possibility of causing a fire in the neighborhood. The last lantern, my mom and my lola were against it already, but we were able to convince them that this time it would be perfect!

And it was.

It was beautiful, our hard work, our baby, growing up in the wind. And I hope that 2015 would be just like that third lantern. Maybe even if at first there was a struggle and we didn’t get to fly the first lantern, we still kept on and on the second try, even if there was a hole in the second lantern, we realized that it would still fly.

And as we would keep on trying on things we would be doing this new year I hope that the third-time’s-the-charm would always work out because I will not be giving up on these things.

Happy New Year! 2015 be good to us <3

Extremities

Well, this is kind of embarrassing because it was so corny and I don’t know it really felt weird and I was surprised. It was a total shock. And wow I am stalling, even here—a type written document of my realization. Really, let me spare myself more words, it’s 1am and I’m really sleepy but I had to get this out.

It all started on the first wedding in our high school batch. Yes, Gabby’s wedding just in case you don’t remember. Misheda was right that this is kind of a big deal, I mean come on it was marriage. A holy ceremony, bonded in the eyes of the Lord. Whew. And well, we were only thirteen in our batch, so no surprise that some would like to always keep in touch and stuff.

Only Misheda, Ingrid, Aldwin and I were able to attend the wedding (that we were surprised was actually happening, because we did not know). Well, anyway because aldwin was there, of course he brought his bag of magic tricks and showed me some of the tricks during the ceremony. One of the tricks required my hands, and well I had a déjà vu. A sudden realization, like ‘what-the-actual-f*ck-am-i-thinking-of-this-is-not-me-at-all-shit-f*cking-hell’, hit me. Yup, like a full on force tsunami wave of the above realization. And what was it? Well, I remembered my dream.

I remembered holding hands, sleeping in one bed kind of thing. With a guy, that I am to embarrassed to write his name because ‘what-the-f*ck-IT-HAS-BEEN-SO-LONG-AGO’ kind of thing. And ugh, I hate that I feel embarrassed about it so I decided I had to write it down. Know that I maybe embarrassed but at least I am not embarrassed-to-actually-write-it-down kind of embarrassed. What’s more is that it felt kind of titanic-y?! I don’t now why I used that word but yes, totally that jack-rose-holding-hands-in-the-icy-waters-of-the-atlantic-holding-on-for-dear-life. Yesh, seriously f*ckng fluffy, and light and heart warming and sh*t :”|

And it scared me. It scared me how the whole holding hands thing can be so powerfully emotional.

That’s what I only remembered in my dream. I don’t know if I would still remember him in the future, if I read this entry again. I hope I do.

That is it. That is the totally embarrassing thing that I have been mulling in my head that I just had to write down. I think it has something to do with “The Wind is Rising” movie by Ghibli production. You’ll search about it for sure, or maybe watch it again, idk. It’s a pretty solemn movie yet something about it speaks to the introvert and romantic side of a person.

By the way, what is up with this day? I have a headache and sore throat (I took paracetamol and it eased of the pain) and I cut myself accidentally on my right ring toe (with the screen door) and my right index finger (with my nail).

Neuro Update

OHEMGGGG!!! I almost forgot to post this! hahahaha oh God thank you!
You see, I got 94/120 in my final exam in Neuroscience. I was devastated because it was not my target score! How I lamented of probably taking the remedials yet I am happy that I am not an irremediable!
And I was told that there would be a curve grade, so for sure I will have a higher grade but I still did not expect that I will pass the class.
So when I found out that the remedial exams will on the first of December I felt my heart sink and my legs to mush! How was I supposed to go to Manila if I was to have remedial exams! The post in our group says that a class officer will be texting you if you need to take the remedial. I was so scared because I expected to be in the Remediables!

But lo and behold, I saw in the post in the 1MedA class officers group (I realized that I am a class officer, although I am only an assistant treasure) that I am not part of the Remediable and the Irremediable! Blanche posted the classmates who were part of the remediable and the irremediable. I scanned the list over and over and OVER again! Making sure that I was not part of the list, that I ACTUALLY PASSED! YEAYYY!!!!! My heart soared with relief and happiness! No need to go back to Manila for that Remediable exams! Oh Thank you thank you LORD!

I was beside with happiness and yet I couldn't post it on twitter nor in Facebook because I didn't want anyone to know how I was over the edge of my grades in Neuroscience plus I didn't want my friends to think I was gloating. But whatever, now I am finally able to express this (aside from telling my sister anyway).

Break

The break got me all happy before it actually happened. Now, well I feel more nostalgic about medschool. I'm not doing anything productive and I hate that I have no initiative at all. And I want to swim but I'm having my period. It's totally annoying because the pool is just within reach!

I've been sleeping late everyday, waking up late too. I guess that's okay, I still get the enough hours of sleep but I waste the following day. I need to get back to the normal body clock.

I started reading the Dollganger series by VC Adrews. I found out that the ghost writer has written more for the name "VC Andrews" than VC Andrews herself! The first series I read from her is the Landry series. I loved it, I feel in love with it from the moment I saw it on my mom's table. She bought it from a bookseller and I was bored and wanting for a book so I got it (without permission) and read it. When I finished, I had to buy the next book and eventually the whole series. Anyway, The Dollganger series is more dark and gothic than the Landry series (made by the ghost writer). Oh how my heart felt heavy after reading the Flowers in the Attic! So I had to read the next book because I need the satisfaction of karma and revenge. The Petals in the Wind was good and satisfying, finally Cathy and Chris were together and yet what did revenge do, but mess up more lives that necessary? Although it was needed, needed to feel that the universe does give you what you deserve.

My sister and I also finished the season 2 of Devious Maids. The plot of the the second season is better than the first and we were surprised because the first season was really really good! Ha! How wrong we were, so much plot and drama plus it all came full circle! And that cliffhanger at the end of the final episode was more cliffhanger that the last season! Can't wait for the next season! :)

Afraid NeuroExam

I am so annoyed at myself for not being good at this!

I am not used to failing and I am so scared that I am loosing faith that I won’t fail. I need 96/120 or 80/100 in the neurology exam (it depends on the number of items) I am so scared. Scared for my whole freaking life right now.

And I can only express it here. I guess. I hate telling people my insecurities. I mean maybe sometimes to my sister when I am in the mood or if I just kept on thinking about it over and over again that I really have to tell someone. And that someone is my sister.

Blood makes it all right because they have no choice but to love you no matter what. But friends?, College or highschool? That is a completely another story.

I am just not comfortable enough to share those thoughts. Not yet. Not now, and maybe not ever.

Finals

Well, it's the finals week and I have been studying (more like cramming). And within the week, I have met up with my high school friends twice. Too many times than I dare to even imagine to spend time (and a lot of money) with them. It feels weird, knowing that I just realized that they will be a considerable part of my life. huh. Actually, I never thought I would continue to get in touch with them after college but here we are now. Still going to Starbucks for catch-ups and what-nots.

Friends really are forever.
Hahaha I can't believe I just realized that now, and what I meant this time is with conviction and real evidence from my real life and not just from stories, fan fictions or mangas.

I feel like I'm the most skeptical open minded person. (contradictions, although I'm probably not the only one)

Back to Histology :)

After doing it so many times, faking your emotions gets easier.

BOO

That is Blood of Olympus, the last book of the Heroes of Olymous book series. And I have not yet bought it *sad face*

But I was able to read it during our pseudosembreak, we were at BGC and naturally we drifted to Fully Booked. There were a lot of BOO copies and I just had to sit down and read it. I only had a few hours left of the day so I decided to only read Nico's part, or the ones where his name appears.

I swear everytime I remember Nico and his ending of the book, I get teary-eyed. Finally he has a sort-of-happy ending. And this time with a new "love interest"! I got on that ship faster than a speeding bullet! Solangelo (nico di angelo/will solace) is such a cute pairing! And I love how will is a son of Apollo and he is a medic! So yay for associations with my profession! I love their dynamics and how Nico was able to finally tell Percy about his crush on him and how he let his crush go, and then suddenly a new one arises. Sure it was just a small hint, but that hint is already a great big show sign for us fangirls!

Of course, med life has not been so forgiving for all my dalliances with other things except for medical related things. We have upcoming Neuro pracs and long exam that I should really concentrating on because I have a failing grade. I do not want to repeat this subject! So help me God!

After this Neuro thing I am giving myself some luxury by either watching some tv shows and/or reading some solangelo fanfics.
Happy Nico is my drug and I need it like I need food.

I'm Tired

I'm tired of screwing myself over and over again. I know I want high grades but I'm not studying. Instead I sleep, watch a movie or a series. Or go to the internet and tumblr. Even when I don't have anything going on. I don't study. I hate myself so much.

Week Update

I think it has been quite a while, or a few days since I wrote something here.
This is actually surprising because a year or a few months would pass before I remember about his blog again and write something.

This week has been weird. I mean, it is kinda like the mellow week before the next week when we have our Physiology long exam and our Biochemistry departmental, and the following week with a ton of exams and practicals.

So what we did for this week was our lab conference reports. In physiology, I actually got praised by Dr. Cuizon. This was really surprising and both the class and Dr. Campomanes were shocked and I felt great with a side of guilty. I have never responded well when I did well and my friends didn't. Ana got a big lecture about her 4 minute overtime in her report. I mean, I thought that she should have known that she should only report for three minutes, but she prepared 20 slides in her powerpoint. I know that my report should only last 5 minutes, so I prepared 7 slides. Sure, she screwed up, and she also had a fault in it, and I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. ugh, survivor's guilt.

Aside from feeling survivor's guilt, I was feeling proud as well. I finished my report at exactly 5 minutes. Practicing the night before gave me a really good shot. Yeay!

We had a sleepover at Ana's last night. It was fun! There was food, chips and chocolate. I love sleepovers! and especially at someone's with a lot of stacked food in their house. yay!
Of course there was a matter of class with Dr. Maglonzo the following day, but whatever! I was the last to sleep that night.

We are probably gonna change our research already. And we have to hustle to get the paper done by November 3. It's gonna be a validation study, because we are gonna make a tool for assessment of Health-seeking behavior. yay or nay? I hope we can get through this.

Here's to October!

F*CKING thesis

I cannot mention enough how I hate doing thesis. Or research work Or DEFENSE!!!
UGH. My entire life is now back on the sinking ship of my despair. I cannot believe I let my hopes up for finishing my powepoint and anatomy sgd part with still 3 hours before Monday.
I was happy then I got a sudden reminder that there would be defense of our proposal TWO fucking WEEKS from now.

Ugh, there is no such thing as a happy place.
Plus, I know that we got a good grade last defense but that was a one-hit-wonder! I don't know if I am capable of doing such again! I don't even care about the thesis right now and the author of the questionnaire has not replied with the validity or reliability of their questionnaire. I hate myself.

Bipolarity

I don't know why but even I find myself weird. I mean come one, one moment I'm the affectionate fluffy buddy and then the next I'm the next Ochie of the group.
Speaking of who, Ochie, she's having fun in USA right now, eating delicious food but in the expense of the weight gain seen in the american population. I tease her as being a couch potato though, meh we miss her already. Especially staying at her house and eating home food.
Anyway, Ochie is my prime example of no-touchy-touchy introvert so you get the comparison now right? (probably not because the reader cannot relate and I am too lazy to further elaborate on my friends)

Oh and we were able to go the mall a while ago, despite the flood in our street. It was not that deep and we were able to walk by the side of the streets. There was this yummy soft serve in the basement of the mall. They used corn as the main ingredient of the cone, I like it very much, in fact it totally filled my tummy but I was craving for something else, so I ate again. UGH, goodbye money hello more calories.
But my sister hated it because it threatened to destroy her braces, which were really expensive.

Then study time for me. Biochemistry, Anatomy SGD and Physiology LabCon ppt.

Can't wait for the break! Back to Butuan na please!

Rain Rain Go AWAY

Remember when I used to place the rain in my 'okay' list, well that lasted for only a short time because right now I hate the rain.

I wanted to go to the mall in a warm Sunday afternoon, where I could pay my electric bills and Myles could withdraw and we could finally eat our (super duper) late lunch. But no, the rain had to express its raindrops at the time that me and Myles were ready to go out!

I am wearing pants, and since I needed to get my laundry before I forget it. I braved the strong rain and got utterly wet. UGH.

Saturday Sleep-A-TON!

I didn't know I was that sleep deprived!
But apparently my saturday was all about me sleeping. All day on the bed was actually really nice, no disappointments, no expectations and no people around. It was all about me and surprisingly I had no recollections of my dreams.

At about 6pm, I decided to wake up and start my day. I cooked dinner, watched Awkward with Myles. Actually we finished season 3 already! It was such an addicting show that demands to watched episode after episode after episode. It was very convincing, so much that when Jenna and her parents were eating chips, I had the sudden urge to eat chips, and so did my sister.

We actually went out twice this night, the first time was for chips and drinks, and the second time was for Army Navy's burger and a 1.5 liter of coke.

The second time was a bust. And it was fitting for the tv series I was watching because it was an awkward meet and greet in the middle of the street.

My sudden realization that it was indeed Miko and a couple of his friends on the middle of the street was a shock to me, so my instinct was to greet but at the moment I have forgotten his name, which happens all the time for me. I am so bad with names! Anyway, my next instinct was to 'pssst' at him, which as what my sister said, was really WIERD. Ugh. And his instinct was a greet hug.
Humiliating for me because, he didn't recognize me immediately, and I don't do hugs that much. I was told that I was a very awkward hugger thus me avoiding them. And we were not really that close friends…and stuff. And he is cute, and tall and really really nice. He was the one who gave me episodes of Walking Dead.

Whatever, I'm just gonna brush it off like the cool hearted girl that I actually am [I think, or I assume I am].

Here I am now, actually wanting to vomit out all the food that I had ingested this night. But I hate vomiting so that is a no go.

It's 12:03AM

Just survived one of the most mentally exhausting day in my medschool career, so far.
I had a report in PrevMed which was about Influenza A, B, C and AH1N1, there was a long exam for Histology, practicals for Anatomy and we had to pass the chapter 1 of our thesis. And as usual, I was cramming everything.

Motto for the day: NO REGRETS! Do what you can, to the best of your ability during the allotted time.

Btw, wwww much while I am writing here, I just killed a mosquito and it was a blood bath. I am too lazy to go back upstairs to get myself some alcohol. YUCK!

I think I only slept for 2hours, more than what some people had but still, it is not something that should be repeated!

Anatomy pracs was a nightmare! I got screwed by my indecisions once again. Being in the last group for the practicals was really dreadful, it made me too calm before I went in for the practicals that my nerves got the better of me during the test. UGHHHH moment! but I did not leave a blank, so that is that.

After the long day, our subsection and some other friends ate outside. Somewhere in a little place in Rosario street. It was very crowded and we just ate street food like Kwek-kwek, potato roll, fish ball etc. It was delightful until I had to pay.

Yes, I admit to be very frugal. I have my moments. But I really need my money from Trisha already. I getting broke and I just withdrew money yesterday! It is so ANNOYING! I HATE MONEY MATTERS! If I was the one who ordered too many that I got full and wanted some else to eat half of my food, I would not let the other person pay for it! Especially if it was just street food, I am not that frugal. And so, I decided that money was important and to pay my dues with a heavy heart.

To continue to torture myself, I did not get my sleep, instead I downloaded AHS: Freakshow, and watched it. It was creepy as fuck! I mean the scary clown murdering people and that scene where the clown chased the girl? Total psyche trauma for those with soft hearts. Can't wait for the development of plot and the appearance of the lovely Emma Roberts! YAY!

And I also am eager to download and watch LOK s4ep2. I have seen pictures of old Toph and I cannot wait to see her contribution to the plot of the last season.

Not Knowing

Yes, I have been slacking off. Yes, I have sacrificed quizzes and study times for my laziness.
And yes, it has bitten me so hard in my ego.
We have our little (or is it little when we are about 16-18 people) study group in Cafe Khivan. It's a neat coffee shop, I like studying there. They have this awesome wooden furniture, it's not so comfy that one could fall asleep there, so very conducive for studying!

We rent a room so that our study session could be more private and easier to make noise without disturbing other customers.
Today we were studying Anatomy and Histology because of practicals and long exam, respectively. I am usually quite because I do not know anything, well only a few things but now so much as the others.
And that one time, I try to say something, it comes out wrong. Not is it only wrong but I have confused the word with something else. UGH, embarrassing!!! and it was recorded!

Yes, grabe ang pagka-LUTANG ko.

I do not want that to happen again!
I need to put more effort in my Anatomy!
And my Histology. Well, in short everything!

Being Destructive

There are so many ways that I could start this, but really I hate how I am putting myself up for another sacrifice. It's a bit shallow, but I do care for my grades, and here I am, I skipped my make-up Physio class and the remaining time I had, I used it for sleep, read fan fiction and watch season 3 of Awkward.

I will come back to this post one day and totally blame myself.

song inspiration: Break the Rules
"I don't want to go to school, I just want to break the rules"

Maybe my rebellion phase has not fully gone away. (If you call not studying and not doing anything productive, a rebellion) God, I am lame.

New things

I got this little blog of mine a new name and a new look. Although not that much effort has been placed, (after all, I just hovered my mouse on a design and template and clicked the one that I like more) I like the idea of new things. A new outlook maybe?

Whatever, this kind of attitude of mine only last for a short time.

Awkward

I just marathon-ed two seasons of Awkward in two nights. It is already a feat that I am both proud of and dreaded. After all, I am in Medschool, how can I have so much time watching series or even marathon one?! This has given me bad consequences, things that I hope never to have shared with anyone. Like, not actually able to study on my quizzes, loose my sleep which in effect lead me to wake up late, leaving no time to actually ready myself for the day (shower, breakfast and packing my stuff for school).

It was dreadful yet, I don't feel that much dread once I got settled in for the day.

Okay, speaking of Awkward, this is why I wanted to post something today. Let me just place in a timeline. I marathon-ed the first season last Monday, and the second season yesterday. Today I have no quiz the following day so I am a bit careless. I decided I have time to internet, tumblr, twitter, pintrest and whatnot.

I miss being not stressful. I want to be able to write in this blog more. And just like Awkward, I don't think anyone would be reading this, well, anyone that I would know in my personal life anyway; and I hope it does not come to the point that someone in my personal life would actually read this.
Please do not judge my writing skills, I do not claim to be an author or a writer and I do not reread nor do I edit much of these posts of mine.

Let me just say that this week is quite the hell week. It is quiz after quiz after quiz EVERYDAY! tomorrow is a relief, a relief that would have to be used for our reports on friday. UGH!!!

Prevmed is getting cool for me already, I like our professor so even though it is this subject, I can actually tolerate it, unlike the Family Prevmed. Now, I only have the ClinEp subject to have to annoyingly deal with. I HATE RESEARCH!!! So may things to have to write about and DEFEND! Sure, it is the core of improving our future but it is just so annoying. I have these moments of actually thinking that research is worth it, but that only comes after the research is done. I AM SUFFERING DURING ITS COURSE.

By the way, I lost my phone after or maybe even during the Foam party. It's annoying and I hate having to tell mommy that I lost my phone but i am glad to actually have lost it. I did not really like that phone, sure it has endured many accidental falls but it is just so damn difficult to type in that small screen. I have big hands/fingers and it's touch screen. So do the math because it equals annoyance.\

What else can I talk about, now that my mind has been wondering about the past week[s].

Korra is back btw! YAYYYYY!!!!! And I love her new look! The short hair thing gives her the impression of physical power. Plus Korra was fighting in a earth kingdom fight ring. (see how my mind makes easy connections and references).

Anyway, I guess that is it for now. I hope that in the next post I would write something shorter because I would only be writing about my day. (Which shouldn't be too long nor exciting)

P.S. I felt like this is only one-sixth of the rants that I never tell anyone, even my closest friends (but sometimes my sister).

To dissect or Not to dissect?

We started dissecting people (dead person) last week. Today is the second time I would be dissecting on a cadaver.
It's weird because I am having fun, but apparently I am not doing a good job at it.
I just dissected the Intrajugular vein because I though it was the carotid sheath. I was wrong and I feel like a great disappointment.

I want to be a surgeon someday but looking at my performance today, am I right for that field of Medicine?
Or maybe it's still too early for me to say?
Or is it the right time for me to see if I am better at other fields of Medicine?

I don't really know, and this is just bugging me.
Hopefully I would find my answer sometime soon.
Ciao.

Being a Fujoshi and Medschool

Wow, can i just say how long it has been since i write something here. I think that was too long of a time.

Today is a Monday, but tomorrow I have no classes because of the end of Ramadan. I have some time to relax and surf through the internet. And it was during this harmless surfing of the internet that I realized that I want to watch anime.
This is a dilemma, well this is something that should be easily solved but because of my desire there is a conflict of interest. You see, if I watch anime, I would be using a lot of time when I could be doing my assignment in Histology or study for Biochem or research for PrevMed.

I know my priorities and that is why I am writing in this blog.

Yup, I definitely know my priorities (btw, I am being sarcastic)

And these shows are shounen-ai material or sports anime and they are such great shows and it makes me happy. BUT I have subjects to study, and cells to draw and chemical compounds to memorize.

I was just thinking how hard it is to be a Fujoshi in Med school.

IT IS SO DAMN FUCKING DIFFICULT.

Especially when there are really good shows on air right now. I can't help but let them load and then watch the episodes. BUT I MUST NOT. Time is VERY VERY precious.

Btw, did I mention I am studying to be a doctor, to get my MD, especially since I already got my RN. *winks*

Well, that has been my life since. Back to school in Med school.